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They are not temples to perfectionism – they are shrines to suspicious stains.Rooms have plug sockets so secreted that you need to be a Chinese contortionist to reach them.

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You also have to be Derren Brown to be able to find the remote control (‘It’s in ze second drawer down of ze desk’).

You have to become habituated, for the first time since 1972, to unzipping a sachet of Nescafe into a cup and undressing a teeny square of Walkers shortbread (the only sustenance you’ll get as the minibar is as barren as my womb and room service stops at 10pm).

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Fancy splashing about in a £3.5 billion infinity pool that looks like a surfboard, perched atop three towers in Singapore?

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